Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm Pretty Sure This Is How The Swiss Do It...

"What in the hell is that?" my co-worker asked as I sat down to enjoy a delightful bowl of Swiss Miss hot cocoa.

"It's a bowl of hot cocoa. What does it look like?" I replied.

"Why aren't you drinking it from a cup?"

"Because this is how the Swiss enjoy their cocoa: from a bowl."

My co-worker was absolutely dumbfounded. I told her to go look on the box and she'd see that the Swiss Miss Girl is standing next to a giant bowl of hot cocoa. But apparently the Swiss Miss Girl isn't on the box of Swiss Miss products anymore.

As a matter of fact the only person on the Swiss Miss box was this Amazon Woman on the back:

Why do I say she's an Amazon? Look how HUGE she is in comparison to that bowl. I know what you're thinking: "She's drinking from a cup." But she's not. See how she has her hair pulled back. That's because the Swiss pull their hair back when drinking cocoa. That's how they keep their hair from getting in the cocoa and ruining what is an otherwise tranquil chocolate-flavored experience.

My co-worker clearly thought I was deranged so I hopped on the interwebs to do that Google thing and prove my correctness on the subject.

Let me tell you this: I don't know what happened to the Swiss Miss Girl, but apparently she no longer appears on Swiss Miss packaging [as demonstrated by the box above]. The only thing I could find was a promotional doll from who knows how many years ago.

I clearly remember a time from my childhood when the Swiss Miss Girl's face appeared on the boxes near the logo. I did a Google search for logos. All I could find were the new-fangled, SMG-free logo.

But I had a point to make. I spent a good chunk of my afternoon trying to find evidence of the Swiss Miss Girl standing next to a big bowl of hot cocoa. It took awhile because I kept getting side-tracked by search results for Swiss Miss Girl costumes.

But eventually my persistence paid off.

Check out the Swiss Miss Girl on the front of that circa-1978 box. She's standing next to a bowl of hot cocoa. She even has her hair pulled into pigtails to keep it out of the cocoa.

I showed my co-worker the picture of the Swiss Miss box.

She just rolled her eyes and went back to work.

Some people clearly don't like finding out that they're wrong.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I've Made My Choice

As each person makes the journey through life there come times when she or he must choose a side on an important issue. I've made mine. How 'bout you?

And in case you haven't seen it...earlier today Conan released one of the greatest public statements of all-time!

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.



If only Bill Hicks were alive to provide some commentary on this recent development. Thankfully Bill was so far ahead of his time that we can pretty much predict who he would side with. [WARNING: Contains language and descriptions some people might find offensive]

Monday, January 11, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Later today the Cleveland Browns are expected to introduce Tom Heckert as General Manager for the team. Heckert currently holds the same position with the Philadelphia Eagles. My brother is HUGE Eagles fan and is quite upset about this development.

This morning on The Really Big Show Tony has been trying to figure out if the Browns getting Heckert is a good thing or a bad thing. He's not sure. He doesn't know anything about Heckert. So I sent him an email to let him know what I know:

Hey Rizz...I think Heckert might be a good acquisition because my Eagles-cheering brother is super peeved at me because the Browns are taking Heckert away from Philadelphia. I keep telling him I didn't have anything to do with it. Oh well, we're still united against the Cowboys!