Today The Bloggess blogged about Netflix recommending a movie called Thankskilling to her. Surprisingly I had watched this movie in the wee hours of September 21 and live-tweeted my reaction. Below are the tweets. CONTAINS NUMEROUS SPOILERS.
"The year is 1621. The olden days."
"Moments after the very first Thanksgiving..."
First thing seen in this movie is a close-up of a boob. I'm sold!
Hold on...hold on. We have another boob! Yay!!!
Camera pans up and...WOAH...butterface alert!
I guess I'm being harsh. I bet most of the pilgrim women were butterfaces.
Screaming in the distance. Now butterface is running.
Hello monstervision! I bet this monster is a Prince fan 'cause the screen's tinted purple.
Hmm...a talking turkey with an axe. Cue opening credits. #Thankskilling
I don't recognize any of these people's names.
General Bastard and Wanda Lust are in this. Whoever the eff they are. @Thankskilling
Now there's some Tom Petty-inspired song and a shot of a school. What year is it?
Second pair of boobs. Too bad they're man boobs.
Chubby walked out of the school and ripped his t-shirt open he's so excited about Thanksgiving break. WTF???
Ok...this brunette is talking like a Valley Girl. So it's gotta be at least 1982.
1982 being the year that the song "Valley Girl" was released.
Cars are late 90s/early 00s
You want to know what would make this movie allsome right now? More boobs!
'Cause this thing has hit a lull.
There's some guy that looks like Phil Anslemo (sp?) Walking around in the woods with a collie named Flashie.
Flashie's wandering off. Now there's a close-up of a small totem pole in the woods. #Thankskilling
Flashie just peed on the totem pole. I predict that hijinks will soon ensue!
The earth is shaking.
A talking turkey just popped-up out of the ground! #Thankskilling
The talking turkey just killed Flashie...I think.
Some guy in a law enforcement sitting at a dining table. His wife gives him a cup of coffee.
This guys mustache looks super fake. "Goddamn Cheryl! That coffee tastes like shit! What'd you do? Take a dump in it?"
CHERYL (holding up a coffee pot with a pile of poo in it): "As a matter of fact I sure did. I WANT A FUCKING DIVORCE!"
Top-notch writing on display here folks. #Thankskilling
High school students in a Jeep. The engine just made a popping sound and now it's smoking.
"We got tents! And beer! Let's party here tonight!"#Thankskilling
Apparently these kids have never seen a horror movie.#Thankskilling
Whatever you do don't call someone to come fix or tow the Jeep. #Thankskilling
Yeah...full moon. These kids are going to die. #Thankskilling
And so far everyone in this movie is white. So there's not going to be a dead person of minority to tip them off that a killer lurks
Nerdy guy just found a sign that reads "CRAWBERG."#Thankskilling
NERDY GUY: "Crawberg? Where have I heard of that before?" Now he's running into the woods after the other kids.
So Nerdy Guy is about to fill us in on Crawberg. It's apparently part of "one of the most notorious moments in pilgrim history."
Now there's a crudely animated sequence illustrating Nerdy Guy's tale about an Indian (feather) who necromanced a turkey to kill white folk.
So this killer turkey rises every 505 years to kill white people. Nerdy guy just pointed out that it will be 505 years in 45 minutes.
So if the killer turkey was on the loose in 1621 and won't be back for 505 years that means this movie takes place in the year 2126.
I'm 99.9% certain that it's not the year 2126 in this movie.#Thankskilling
Now the Phil lookalike is wandering the woods calling out for Flashie.
He just found Flashie's body. The talking turkey is there too. He doesn't seem fazed by the talking turkey.
TURKEY: "I took this here axe and axe-identally cut him. Get it? AXE-ident!" #Thankskilling
Phil lookalike just shot at and missed the talking turkey.
Teenager with a cellphone remembers that she needs to call her dad (the sheriff). She goes into the woods because she has no reception at the campsite. Maybe she's a #T-Mobile customer too.
The girl just came upon the talking turkey. TALKING TURKEY: "I'm going to drink your blood like cranberry sauce!" #Thankskilling
I kid you not! That's what the talking turkey said! #Thankskilling
Kristen (sheriff's daughter) runs back to the campsite. KRISTEN: "You were right Darren (nerdy guy). There is an evil turkey on the loose."
An obviously plush bunny just flew out of the woods and landed in the campfire.
FAT GUY: "Demonic turkey. Gutted animals. Yeah, let's sleep on it. Great idea."
Billy (the fat guy) just made a pass at Valley Girl who told him to feel up his own boobs. #Thankskilling
Now it's the next morning and Billy wakes up to find the Phil lookalike crouched next to him.
Phil lookalike tells Billy that he kept the turkey from pecking his heart out. Billy doesn't believe him so Phil lookalike points out the "turkey droppings" on Billy's sleeping bag. The droppings look like dog food. #Thankskilling
Now that the sun is up they're magically able to fix the Jeep.
KRISTEN:"Johnny, I'm sorry for the things I said last night. I guess I was a little beaked-out...I mean freaked-out by the turkey."
Some guy that looks like Darren just pulled up to the talking turkey standing on the side of the road.
DARREN LOOKALIKE (after reaching across and opening passenger door): "Ass, gas or grass!" #Thankskilling
TALKING TURKEY: "Well, I'm not a gas so I guess I'll take ass." The turkey gets in the car and pulls a shotgun out.
OHMYGAWD...the talking turkey shot that guy. Now he's driving off in the guy's car! #Thankskilling
Another joke about the JonBenet Ramsey case. This movie's humor is cutting-edge and timely. #notreally #Thankskilling
And we've reached another lull.
So Johnny was outside talking to his dad. The killer turkey shows up and cuts Dad's head off with a hunting knife, tells Johnny to go deep and tosses the head to him. Now the turkey is smoking the cigar that Johnny's dad had been smoking. #Thankskilling
Johnny's mom is dead too.
The turkey's at Valley Girl's house. He just opened her bedroom door and she's getting banged doggy-style by some guy...while fully clothed.
TURKEY (looking at the camera): "Pink pumpkin pie!" #Thankskilling
The turkey killed the guy and is now banging Valley Girl. #Thanksgiving
Valley Girl looks back over her shoulder to discover she's being banged by a turkey. TURKEY: "You just got stuffed!" #Thankskilling
The turkey just broke Valley Girl's neck! I think she's dead.
Now Valley Girl's friends come by to check on her. She's dead. Another JonBenet joke. #Thankskilling
BILLY: "We've gotta find a way to kill that cock-blockin' turkey." Indeed!
So the gang is off to look through books to find a way to kill the talking turkey, How is it they have cameraphones but no internet???
The technological inconsistencies are as mind-boggling as figuring out how the turkey can talk and hold weapons and drive. #Thankskilling
Now the turkey is at the sheriff's door wearing Groucho glasses. And for some reason the sheriff is dressed like a turkey. #Thankskilling
The turkey is in the house and sitting at the dining table having hazelnut coffee with the sheriff.
The sheriff called the turkey an "odd little duck" and the turkey snapped and killed him. #Thankskilling
Now the gang is at Kristen's house. The turkey answers the door disguised as the sheriff. Nobody seems to realize that it OBVIOUSLY IS NOT THE SHERIFF. #Thankskilling
The only way to kill the turkey is by removing its magical talisman. #Thankskilling
Billy stumbled upon the turkey disguised as the sheriff dragging the sheriff's dead body. Billy now knows it's the turkey!
Billy is running to alert Kristen, Johnny and Darren.
They managed to remove the turkey's talisman but the turkey got away before they could kill it. #ThingsINeverThoughtIdTweet #Thankskilling
Now Johnny and Kristen are alone. I bet they have sex!
They were about to kiss but Darren burst in to let them know he figured out how to kill the turkey.
Man, the turkey has a teepee!
According to the book Darren's reading if the turkey isn't in his teepee he's killing one of your friends.
The turkey just killed Billy. TURKEY: "That's what I call foul play!" Get it? Foul=fowl=turkey
Now there's a song about Billy being Darren's best friend. And getting killed by the turkey.
They found the turkey's teepee! #Thankskilling
They said some prayer that stripped the turkey of its invincibility. But the turkey ran away and got shot by the Phil lookalike. #Thankskilling
JOHNNY (talking about the Phil lookalike): "He kinda creeps me out. He's kind of weird."
JOHNNY: "I don't know. He did save oir lives. I guess that makes him cool."
Now they're going to Kristen's to watch a movie. "Night of the Living Dead."
JOHNNY (to Kristen): "In a way I'm glad all this happened. I may have lost my parents but I gained a girlfriend." #Thankskilling
Oh noes...the turkey's back!
When Phil lookalike shot him he landed in a tub of radioactive waste.
He's attacking Darren. #Thankskilling
He just pecked Darren's heart out. Oh noes!
Now the turkey's killing Johnny with an electric carving knife. But Kristen showed up and rescued him.
Kristen may be killed by the turkey by spraying paint through a cigarette lighter.
Johnny's dead. Kristen seems to have killed the talking turkey for good. #Thankskilling
Oh hells yeah! "To be continued..."
"...in SPACE!" #Thankskilling
I will say this though: #Thankskilling has set a high standard by which all other killer talking turkey movies will be measured.
So there you go. A tweet-by-tweet account of my watching a movie. I've live-tweeted a few other films and continue to do it when time allows. I'll try to post the tweets from the films I previously live-tweeted. Happy Alcoholidays!!!