BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Tony Rizzo opened today's edition of "The Really Big Show" by announcing that he had five sources confirming that Mike Holmgren had dinner last night in Cleveland with top men from the Cleveland Browns. My commentary:

Hey Rizz...my sources have confirmed that it was NOT Mike Holmgren. Four of my five sources confirm that it was Wilford Brimley discussing die-uh-beet-us. The fifth source says it was Chumley from Tennessee Tuxedo.

It's difficult to speculate as to exactly WHO was at dinner with Browns top men last night. But one thing is certain: A change is coming soon!!!

BROWNS BEAT THE STEELERS!!!

HOLY HELL! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!

AND I WAS THERE!!!

[view from my seat]

[freezing!]

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air [and references another]

There was a discussion on Rizzo's show about who's responsible for the Cleveland Cavaliers six losses [they had only lost three games by this point last season]. Aaron Goldhammer said it's Cavaliers coach Mike Brown's fault while Rizzo thinks it's LeBron James's fault. Their back-and-forth inspired the following email:

Hey Rizz...Who's responsible when Aaron brings the show to a screeching halt with his endless yapping? The program director? [Oh yeah, that's Hammer]

Rizzo also referenced an email I sent during an earlier part of the show in which they were discussing how cold it is in Cleveland. It's actually colder in Dallas right now [though that will likely not be the case later today].

Hey Rizz...It's in the mid-20s down here in the Dallas/Fort Worth metromess. I hope whatever snow storm you're expecting up there holds up till tomorrow afternoon because I'm flying up in the morning to sit in the Dawg Pound and watch the Browns beat the Steelers!!!

Survey Wednesday Responses:

• Hot Key 2 should be replaced with "Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!!" [from National Lampoon's Animal House]
• Laughing with Modell: I think the email from earlier hit it on the head with Juan Gonzalez
• My porn name: Randall Avery. Sounds classy huh? It's like I'm so classy I hold my pinky finger up while I do it.

I'm looking forward to being back in Cleveland. It's good to be alive!!!

Sadly, no mention was made of my porn name [you can figure yours out using the following formula: Middle Name + Name of Street You Grew Up On = PORN NAME].

I'm still feeling sick. I hope I make it through tomorrow's game.

It Is Now Safe To Return To The Angelika

At last! The day has finally arrived! Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire opens in Dallas. I have no interest in seeing this preposterously named film. I'm thrilled that I will no longer be unwillingly subjected to the trailer each time I attend a film at the Dallas Angelika. Seriously, if they had posted a sign at the ticket office along the lines of "Screenings of A Serious Man will be preceded by the Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire trailer I would have passed on seeing the Coen brothers lastest film.

One thing I did learn from seeing the trailer several times is that Mo'Nique looks an awful lot like Tracy Morgan in Episode 3.2 of 30 Rock - "Believe In The Stars." That episode featured Morgan's Tracy Jordan getting into a feud with Jane Krakowski's Jenna Maroney over whose life is harder: women or black men. Tracy "disguises" himself as a white woman in an effort to prove his point. Perhaps I'm crazy. Judge for yourself:

MOVIE REVIEW HAIKU: A Serious Man

This truly is the
Most Jewish movie ever
More so than Yentl

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

It's been awhile. That's mostly due to my waking up later so I've been missing the show. WKNR let Josh Sabo go last week which I'm quite pissed about. Josh was the perfect balance to Aaron "Hammer" Goldhammer's whiny rants.

Apparently Hammer ate some bad food yesterday and has food poisoning. Because of this he is not on Rizzo's show today. This development inspired me to write the following email:

Dear Rizz...It's official. "Hammer-Free Tuesdays" is a hit! Who would have thought you could top "Survey Wednesdays" or "Cold Call Dump Button Thursdays"? Not me. But I sure am glad you did. It's good to be alive!!!

WAKE YO DEAD ASS UP!

A friend of mine is really into zombies. So much that she's started up a nifty little website: dallaszombiecrawl.com.

This should be a blast...AND it's for a couple of worthwhile causes. It's a Sunday in October. The weather should be perfect. Football will for the most part be over for the day. And it's like Halloween a week early. This is going to be so full of win. Make sure to show up so you're not full of fail!