BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Later today the Cleveland Browns are expected to introduce Tom Heckert as General Manager for the team. Heckert currently holds the same position with the Philadelphia Eagles. My brother is HUGE Eagles fan and is quite upset about this development.

This morning on The Really Big Show Tony has been trying to figure out if the Browns getting Heckert is a good thing or a bad thing. He's not sure. He doesn't know anything about Heckert. So I sent him an email to let him know what I know:

Hey Rizz...I think Heckert might be a good acquisition because my Eagles-cheering brother is super peeved at me because the Browns are taking Heckert away from Philadelphia. I keep telling him I didn't have anything to do with it. Oh well, we're still united against the Cowboys!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Rizz was talking about Tiger Woods supposedly giving his future ex-wife Elin $300,000,000 for her birthday. That's right: THREE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS. Rizz mentioned that one of the casinos in Las Vegas used to have a million dollars on display. The bills were $10,000 bills. Nobody on the show knew who was on the $10,000 bill so I decided to toss a little knowledge their way:

Hey Rizz...I have absolutely no idea who is on the $10,000 bill. I do know that Bert Convy is on the $50,000 bill. I'm sure Aaron has no idea who that is. It's good to be alive!!!

Rizz gets a kick out of pop-culture references that the younger staff members don't get. Aaron mentioned one of the game shows that Bert Convy hosted. Rizz said Aaron had to look Bert Convy up on Google to find out who he was.

Rizzo On My Phone!!!

Earlier this year I decided to get a new cellphone. My old Sprint phone was a phone. I could also play "Snake II" on it. No texting. No camera. No interwebs. No MP3 player. Zilch! Make calls. Take calls. Play "Snake."

I was thinking about jumping on the iPhone bandwagon but a couple of friends had G1 phones [the first Android phone] and raved about them. After doing some pretty extensive research comparing the pros and cons of each phone I decided to go with a G1. Unlike iPhone adoptees I don't have to buy a new phone to get expanded memory. I just have to switch out memory cards. And hey...I can remove the battery from my phone if need be. iPhone users can't do that without violating warranties. Plus, I'm a total geek for anything Google.

Of course the G1 had its share of cons. With it being the only Android phone quality apps were few and far between. But as Android phones have become available via other carriers the market seems to be getting better. The recent introduction of Verizon's Droid phone seems to have made a giant leap in making Android a contender to overthrow the iPhone's cellphone reign. And I feel pretty confident in saying that because of what I found today.

For the past couple of months WKNR has been running ads for an iPhone app that streams select ESPN Radio stations to the iPhone [this has to due with stations using Flash-based streaming versus MP3-based streaming...I'll spare you further technobabble]. Sadly they haven't been advertising a similar app for Android phones. And they still aren't...even though today I found the same app in the Android Market.

It cost $2.99 for the app [a bargain!] but now I no longer have to be sitting at a computer to listen to The Really Big Show with Tony Rizzo! It's good to be alive!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Tony Rizzo opened today's edition of "The Really Big Show" by announcing that he had five sources confirming that Mike Holmgren had dinner last night in Cleveland with top men from the Cleveland Browns. My commentary:

Hey Rizz...my sources have confirmed that it was NOT Mike Holmgren. Four of my five sources confirm that it was Wilford Brimley discussing die-uh-beet-us. The fifth source says it was Chumley from Tennessee Tuxedo.

It's difficult to speculate as to exactly WHO was at dinner with Browns top men last night. But one thing is certain: A change is coming soon!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air [and references another]

There was a discussion on Rizzo's show about who's responsible for the Cleveland Cavaliers six losses [they had only lost three games by this point last season]. Aaron Goldhammer said it's Cavaliers coach Mike Brown's fault while Rizzo thinks it's LeBron James's fault. Their back-and-forth inspired the following email:

Hey Rizz...Who's responsible when Aaron brings the show to a screeching halt with his endless yapping? The program director? [Oh yeah, that's Hammer]

Rizzo also referenced an email I sent during an earlier part of the show in which they were discussing how cold it is in Cleveland. It's actually colder in Dallas right now [though that will likely not be the case later today].

Hey Rizz...It's in the mid-20s down here in the Dallas/Fort Worth metromess. I hope whatever snow storm you're expecting up there holds up till tomorrow afternoon because I'm flying up in the morning to sit in the Dawg Pound and watch the Browns beat the Steelers!!!

Survey Wednesday Responses:

• Hot Key 2 should be replaced with "Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!!" [from National Lampoon's Animal House]
• Laughing with Modell: I think the email from earlier hit it on the head with Juan Gonzalez
• My porn name: Randall Avery. Sounds classy huh? It's like I'm so classy I hold my pinky finger up while I do it.

I'm looking forward to being back in Cleveland. It's good to be alive!!!

Sadly, no mention was made of my porn name [you can figure yours out using the following formula: Middle Name + Name of Street You Grew Up On = PORN NAME].

I'm still feeling sick. I hope I make it through tomorrow's game.

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

It's been awhile. That's mostly due to my waking up later so I've been missing the show. WKNR let Josh Sabo go last week which I'm quite pissed about. Josh was the perfect balance to Aaron "Hammer" Goldhammer's whiny rants.

Apparently Hammer ate some bad food yesterday and has food poisoning. Because of this he is not on Rizzo's show today. This development inspired me to write the following email:

Dear Rizz...It's official. "Hammer-Free Tuesdays" is a hit! Who would have thought you could top "Survey Wednesdays" or "Cold Call Dump Button Thursdays"? Not me. But I sure am glad you did. It's good to be alive!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Dear Rizz...It looks like justice can finally be served. After looking at the photo of King James being served on tmz.com it's clear to me that the footage was shot by the same person responsible for filming Erin Andrews in her hotel room. It's good to be alive!!!

BACKSTORY: A couple of weeks ago Lebron James conducted a basketball skills clinic. In a pick-up game after the clinic a college player [Xavier's Jordan Crawford] made an epic slam dunk on Lebron which was caught on video. Representatives from Nike are reported to have confiscated the footage. Now TMZ is reporting that they have footage shot by someone else. They posted a still on their website:

The quality of the image is similar in quality to the hotel room footage of ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews that's been circulating around the internet. This footage became a hot topic this past weekend. Read more about that here.

Street Action!!!

Street I heard a bunch of sirens and thought to myself "It's too early to be my ride home so something must be going on outside." Yessiree...a few folks had decided to have a miniature demolition derby at the intersection of Pacific and Central. Here's what it looked like from my office:















NOTE: There have been no opportunities for Breaking News this week. Rizzo is on vacation this week.

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Well...actually it was Josh Sabo. Rizzo is doing a remote from Northfield Park [horse racing track outside of Cleveland] so he's not in-studio to read them himself.

Hey Rizz...let's have a steel cage, no-holds-barred wrestling match between Charles Barkley, Ken from Brooklyn, The Bostonian, and Todd in Middlefield. Winner gets The Kid's $190 jeans. I hope the uneducated, recovering alcoholic enjoys the denim succulence.

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Dear Rizz...So the kid's going to Lost Wages. Pass along my best wishes. I hope he doesn't lose his shirt [or his succulent pair of $190 jeans].

Survey Wednesday responses:
1. I have Pitt winning it all. I also have Cleveland State making it to the Sweet Sixteen.
2. I drink occasionally. But when I do I pound at it.
3. Regarding Jay Cutler: I'm neutral on this. Stan summed it up best when he met Jay Cutler in the South Park episode "Guitar Queer-O": "You kind of suck but my dad says you might be good some day."

Go Vikings!!!

Rizz said that he's pretty much like me regarding response #2. And he got a big kick out of the South Park quote. Josh Sabo said it was a great reference. Rizz rang the cowbell after reading it!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Hey Rizz...I'm sure the Browns marketing department [what's left of it anyway] is busy scripting a new commercial to reach out to the Browns fans who, like you, have given up on the team.  It'll feature Robert Royal standing outside your window hoisting a boombox over his head that's blasting the Michael Stanley Band's "Hard Die the Heroes" [theme from Masters of the Gridiron].  It's good to be alive!!!

He read the email just before a commercial break.  When the show came back they were playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" as bumper music.  T-R-E-frikkin'-mendous!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Hey Rizz...just wanted to pass along congrats to Hammer for landing the eagle. Couple of questions:

1. Was there an Amber Alert involved?
2. If this landing occurred on Saturday night [Valentines Day], how drunk was she?

It's good to be alive!

The backstory: Aaron Goldhammer - programming director of WKNR and co-host of The Really Big Show with Tony Rizzo - had been carrying on a long-distance relationship with a gal named Rachel. They split up back before the holidays last year. Rizz began asking Hammer on a daily basis for and "eagle update" which generally went something like this:

Rizz: Hammer, has the eagle landed?
Aaron: NnnnnOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

This morning Rizz teased a big announcement to occur during the 11am hour [Cleveland time]. The big news was that Aaron had landed the eagle.
Aaron picks out the bumper music played on the show and it's generally the type of stuff I imagine gets a lot of airplay on Disney Radio. And as you may recall from the first email of mine Rizz read on-air Hammer loves the Jonas Brothers. So that's why I asked if an Amber Alert was involved.
But more importantly, my second question led to the revelation that, yes, the landing took place on Saturday night. And yes, the girl was drunk. Hammer claims it's a girl that he sort of knows. Apparently he ran into her on the sidewalk after leaving a popular Cleveland bar.

So there you go. On-air email number three this year. I'm on a roll!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

Each morning during the final 30 minutes of Tony Rizzo's show the syndicated Bloomberg Sports Business Update runs. The Update runs around three minutes and provides news about one or two major business sports items. The anchors that do the update have a very Ted Baxter-ish delivery and are apparently unaware of the humor their updates generate.

Last month when the Cleveland Browns fired head coach Romeo Crennel there was a piece about it on the Update. But the anchor mispronounced Crennel's last name [putting the emphasis on the first sylable instead of the other way around]. This became a running joke on Rizzo's show and they would play a drop of the anchor's mispronunciation anytime someone on Rizzo's show mispronounced a name or encountered a name with a difficult pronunciation.

This morning the Update was about Michael Phelps continuing fallout over the photo of him that made the rounds last weekend:
The report covered Phelps' three month suspension by the US Swim Team. But then the report got better.

Phelps appeared on boxes of Kellogg's Corn Flakes and the cereal company was none too thrilled about the photo. They cancelled their endorsement agreement with Phelps. When the Update covered this development they began with "Phelps also took a hit". I was in near tears I was laughing so hard. I couldn't believe that the anchor read that with a straight face. So I sent the following email to Rizz:

Hey Rizz...Who writes the scripts for those sports business updates? Those little updates consistently provide some hearty laughs. The Crennel mispronunciation from last month...and now today's. The guy's reading about Michael Phelps being photographed appearing to smoke a marijuana pipe. Then later in the same story he starts a sentence with "He also took a hit" and I laughed hysterically. Play that again...THAT'S funny.

And he did. And they laughed and played the Crennel drop and assorted water pipe sounds. It's good to be alive!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

It's a day shy of being three months since Rizz last read one of my emails on-air. So it is with great enthusiasm that I announce that at 11:09 CT [Cleveland Time] the following email was read:

Hey Rizz...Has Hellboy tried chewing on a plug of tobacco while receiving a peanut butter enema? That sounds as plausible a remedy as some of the others your listeners are recommending.

PS: "California Man" by Cheap Trick [originally by The Move] would probably work with some cowbell.

I think some back story is in order.

Jeff "Hellboy" Thomas [he does the morning "Sportscenter" updates on ESPN Cleveland] is currently afflicted with a kidney stone. Various listeners have been calling in with assorted remedies ranging from drinking 72 ounces of Coca Cola and eating raw cabbage to chewing on lemons. My suggestion seemed as ridiculous as any of those. Besides, peanut butter enema is fun to say.

Rizz was given a cowbell several months back and has been playing along on-air to such cowbell classics as "Mississippi Queen" and "Working For the Weekend". I think the Cheap Trick song has good cowbell potential. I'll update if he gives it an attempt.

BREAKING NEWS: Rizz reads my email on-air

It's the little moments that sometimes make life worthwhile. Each morning I listen to Tony Rizzo's WKNR radio show online. From time to time I craft a witty little email pertinent to whatever they've been talking about. This morning a listener called in saying that the General Manager of the Cleveland Browns [Phil Savage] popped up at the tailgate the Jacksonville chapter of Browns Backers Worldwide was holding prior to this past Sunday's Browns vs. Jaguars game. The listener said Phil hung out for a couple of hours taking pictures with the assembled Browns fans. Rizz found this a bit far-fetched but the listener was insistent that it was Phil Savage.

This of course gave me fodder for an epic email. Rizz is always ragging on his co-host, Aaron Goldhammer, because apparently he really does like the Jonas Brothers. Aaron also enjoys saying the work "succulent". Here's the email I sent:

Hey Rizz...I wanted to let you know that I was tailgating recently at a Jonas Brothers concert and guess who was wandering around? Hammer! He hung out and took pictures for a couple of hours with a bunch of succulent teenage girls. It's good to be alive indeed!

Around 11:15am CT ["Cleveland time"] my email was read on-air. Rizz got such a kick out of it that he felt it warranted some ringing of the cowbell. High honors indeed.

It's good to be alive!!!